----------------------------------------------------------------------



              



                     FOR FANTASY ROLE PLAYING GAMES





                 Even from the body's purity, the mind

                 Receives a secret, sympathetic aid.



                                             --- Thomson



                 Let thy mind's sweetness have its operation

                 upon thy body, clothes, and habitation.



                                             --- Herbert





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                           COPYRIGHT (C) 1996



     All trademarks of products, company names, logos, phrases, service

names, and/or slogans are trademarks of the respective companies,

artists, and/or individuals, where applicable.



     The following guide is the property of its author, who hereby

states that he retains the copyright except for where noted.  You may

distribute it at will, provided that nothing in the guide, this notice,

or any of the credits are altered in any way; and that you do not make

a profit from it.



     This document is not for sale and is made available for private

game use only.



                           *** DISCLAIMER ***



     All contents of this guide are presented for game purposes only.

Advice oriented information is not to be taken as legal consultation or

legal service, but as suggestions and examples of real-world or

hypothetical models. Always consult a lawyer for legal and lawful

guidance. The opinions and views contained in this guide reflect those

of the individual authors. The opinions, content, and organization of

this document are in no way connected with the faculty and staff of any

educational institute where this guide was found.



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                           TABLE OF CONTENTS





When Do Adventurers Go To The Bathroom?

Dirty Adventueres Aren't Lucky

Paladins And Cleanliness

The Dentist & Teeth: Smile When You Say That?

Spells

Clerics And Waste

State-Of-The-Art Waste Disposal

A Monster That Keeps The House Clean

Magic-Items

Even A Mage Does Laundry

Story Bbook Theater

Special Thanks

























                                                       UPDATE: 01/01/96

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                WHEN DO ADVENTURERS GO TO THE BATHROOM?





     There are two forms of waste to consider with regard to standard

beings (i.e. humans, dwarves, elves, halflings, gnomes, etc.). These

forms are liquid and solid. When a person must excrete waste is depend

on Constitution and sex. Multiple the person's Constitution to the

multiplier from Table 1 to get the number of hours apart the person

goes to the bathroom.

     This rule assumes that the person is consuming a normal quantity

of food and drink. A dehydrated person or staving person will not be

producing waste as quickly. Furthermore, a person eating and drinking a

lot may go twice as much. Therefore, the GM should make appropriate

adjustments.

     A person may wish to go to the bathroom at a certain time. To do

this, a normal Constitution check is made. Females get a +1 modifier.

This check can be made once every three turn.

     Alternatively, a person may wish to postpone going to the

bathroom. To do this a normal Constitution check is made. Males get a

+1 modifier. This check can be made once every three turn. Of course,

there is some discomfort in this state and the character suffers the

following: -1 to hit, -1 Dexterity, -1 Strength, -2 on all saves.





Table 1: Multiplier



          Males     Females

Liquid    x .5       x .25

Solid     x .1       x .5





     Due to many hands-on experience of women, it was decided that

females usually go to the bathroom twice as much as males. For those

that disapprove of this, they can adjust the rules accordingly.



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                     DIRTY ADVENTURERS AREN'T LUCKY





     Sure adventurers are great heroes that trek through the lands

facing great challenges in monsters, dungeons, and deities. But

adventuring is a dirty job, and few tough adventurers have the desire

to bath on a regular basis. In fact, many wear the same yechy clothes

day after day. But does this have an effect on there adventures?

     For each day after the 1st day an adventurer goes unbathed, he/she

suffers the following cumulative effects:



     -2 comeliness



     -1 to charisma



     all creatures get +5% tracking bonus when searching for adventurer



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                        PALADINS AND CLEANLINESS





     Some GMs may allow paladins to have some special abilities with

regard to cleanliness. Below is a list of abilities. The GM may allow

the paladin to have only one ability OR allow the paladin to gain an

ability every 3 levels (one at 3rd level, one at 6th level, etc.).



Abilities:



     Paladin has an anti-dirt aura.



     Paladin gives off a natural flowery scent.



     Paladin does not need to "go" at all. Once a year, the paladin

     must make a system shock or explode from the boughs for 1d20

     points of damage.



     Paladin urinates pure holy water.



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                          THE DENTIST & TEETH:



                        SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT?





     When a character reaches the young-adult age, he will have 30

teeth, and must check every year (10% accumulative) to grow the wisdom

teeth. When growing the new teeth, the character will have -1 "to hit"

due to pain for 2 weeks.

     Also, a character must check every month (5% accumulative) for

lost 1d4-1 teeth because of tooth-decay, being hit in the face to

often, etc.. The following constitution and racial modifiers apply:





TABLE: Constitution Modifiers



Constitution   Modifier (*)

   03            +3

 04-05           +2

 06-08           +1

 09-12            0

 13-15           -1

 16-17           -2

   18            -3





TABLE: Racial Modifiers



Race           Modifiers (*)

Elf              -3

Half-Elf         -2

Dwarf            -2

Halfling         -1

Gnome            -1

Human             0

Half-orc         +1

Half-ogre        +2

Orc              +2

Goblin           +3

Ogre             +4      except canines (-1)

Troll            +8      doesn't care, teeth will grow back





TABLE: Possible Living Conditions Modifiers



Condition      Modifier

clean            -2

brushes          -2

fibrous food     -1

heavy combat     +1

infected tooth   +2

tropics          +1

drinks a lot     +1

tongue pierced   +1

goopy food       +2

dirty            +2



(*) also accumulative.





     If a check fails, the toothache will begin and the character will

have -2 to hit until the tooth/teeth has/have been extracted, otherwise

the tooth/teeth will fall in 1d4 weeks.

     If the GM wishes, he have bad teeth effect a character's charisma.

-1 on charisma for every 10 teeth lost. -1 on comeliness for every 5

teeth lost. 01% accumulative chance of spell failure per teeth lost (up

to a maximum of 32%, of course).

     Unlike the real-world, the job of the dentist is performed by the

shaver (yes... the shaver). With the shaver being in charge of

dentistry, no wonder the population had bad teeth if any at all. A

shaver will only extract teeth, and does not handle dental care.

     Paladins will always have beauty and shinning teeth. Paladins

never make checks. On the other hand, barbarians must make twice as

many checks.

     Bards don't gain immunity like paladins because they aren't

magical in nature. Bards make checks like any other class. Bards do

have spells so the can possible enhance their smile this way (see

below).





Effects of Magic



     All Cure Wounds will only kill the pain for 1d4 days. Cure Disease

and Heal will cure the teeth/tooth, but previous lost teeth will not be

recovered. Regenerate will cure and restore all teeth.



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                                 SPELLS





LEVEL 1

Illusionary Teeth



LEVEL 2

Bud



LEVEL 3

Smash Teeth



LEVEL 4

Create Tooth







Illusionary Teeth (Illusion) Reversible



Level: 1

Range: 10 feet per level

Duration: 2 hours per level

Area of Effect: One mouth

Save: Negates



     This spell creates the illusion of a mouth full of healthy teeth.

The illusion is visual only, a toothless hag cannot click her teeth

together with this spell.

    The reverse of this spell, Lost Teeth, creates the illusion that

the recipient has many diseased and disgusting teeth, bleeding gums,

and many missing teeth. The victim's Charisma is reduced by one point,

and Comeliness (if used) drops by four points. A save vs. spells will

prevent this spell from taking effect.





Bud (Necromancy)



Level: 2

Range: 10 feet per level

Duration: Instantaneous

Area of Effect: One tooth

Save: None



     Bud creates a new tooth bud under the gum of a willing creature. A

new, healthy tooth will grow from the tooth bud, but will inflict the

same penalties as a wisdom tooth while it does so. ("No pain, no

gain.")





Smash Teeth (Invocation)



Level: 3

Range: 15 feet per level

Duration: Instantaneous

Area of Effect: One person

Save: Negates



     This spell allows a mage to knock out the teeth of a creature. If

the subject fails a save vs. spells, the subject has one tooth per

caster level knocked out with great force (and great pain). A

successful save means no teeth were lost.

     The material component is any heavy blunt object (a staff, mace,

brass knuckles, etc), and the somatic component is swinging the object.





Create Tooth (Necromancy)



Level: 4

Range 10 feet per level

Duration: Instantaneous

Area of Effect: One tooth

Save: None



     Create Tooth instantly creates a new tooth, in the place of a

missing one. The tooth grows back instantly, without pain.

     The material component is either a tooth from a member of the same

race, or a tooth made out of gold or pearl.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                           CLERICS AND WASTE





     Some clerics may cast Purify Food & Drink on waste. Well, this

spell can be cast on solid and liquid waste. If a character wants to

eat or drink this cleansed waste, then he/she must make a system shock

or vomit. No further attempts can be made to eat or drink it again.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                    STATE-OF-THE-ART WASTE DISPOSAL





     "Yeah, waste disposal is my specialty. It's been my life for over

40 years. I've worked my way up from a young sewer cleaner to Master

Guildsman of The Sewers Union. I've seen just about everything with

regards to waste disposal. Some of it's fascinating, some of its

disgusting, but all of it serves a purpose: To Keep Our City Clean.

     A mark of a thoughtful architect is an adequate waste system. An

old saying in the Builders' Guild is 'Sure its nice on the outside, but

where do ya shit?'

     I've been in cities where there wasn't much of anything. People

would throw there waste into the street gutters and wait until the rain

washes it away. This form of waste disposal (if you can call it that)

is very primitive. Besides being gross, it is extremely dangerous.

Cities with poor waste disposal facilities end up with sickness,

illness, and plaques.

     Most cities have the standard sewer system of pipes, drains, and

cisterns where water flows through carrying waste to far away streams

and rivers. Unfortunately, this pollutes the waterways. Fortunate

cities have underground waterways where they can dump their load. The

only creatures that could be affected are the dreaded underworld

monsters (but who cares).

     I've seen a plumbing system used by elves in which a waterfall was

routed into a castle. Then the water goes through a magic water

purifier. Those elves are rich with magic.

     There is one lawful good city in which clerics purify the waste

before it is departed into open waterways. Supposedly, this works well

and is better than nothing, but I'm sure its expensive (monetary and

religiously).

     I once entered a town which was utterly filthy. It consisted

basically of one main street in which all rubbish and refuse was dumped

in the street... it stunk. A resident high level wizard got absolutely

fed up with it all one day, and designed, with the help of clerics with

create water spells and permanency spells 6 huge containers of water at

the top end of town. Early every morning, after the waste had been

thrown on the street, the containers would magically release their

water, causing a gigantic wave flowing down the street, cleaning it,

and carrying it out of the city and splashing into the nearby river. A

few lives were lost at first, but it soon just became routine.

     Speaking of nutty mages, one small village had this neat freak,

high level mage who believed his sole purpose in life was to

disintegrate garbage. He of course charged a fee to the city village

for his services, but it still was a interesting sanitation business (I

believe the name was "Waste Away").

     Some cities access great magical power and have there waste

deported through gates to the elemental planes of water, air, or fire.

The only problem is that an occasional unhappy visitor from an

elemental plane will come out of the gate to reek havoc.

     For personal waste systems, the norm is a latrine (hole in the

ground) that connects to the nearest sewer system. Latrines can be

found inside or outside; the latter being preferred because of the

smell. Some houses prefer chamber pots that can be used indiscreetly

inside and then dumped into the sewers. The best chamber pots are found

in the rich metropolitan areas. They actually teleport their acquired

waste products to the local sewers where it can be taken care of by

some lower class workers. The really expensive chamber pots have a

permanent disintegrate spell in it that disposes of waste properly.

     Many nasty things feed off of waste. Some brilliant people

cultivate the growth of these creatures as a means of waste disposal.

The use of oozes, slimes, and jellies is one of the most popular forms

of waste disposal; especially with the rich. Ochre jelly isn't very

popular because it has the ability to travel on walls and ceilings.

Ochre jelly is usually used in large subterranean areas where few

people move and total annihilation of everything everywhere is desired.

Gray ooze is more popular with toilets because it cannot climb walls

and give a user an unpleasant surprise. Care must be taken with gray

ooze because it tends to reproduce and gray ooze toilets must keep the

ooze at a safe level. Crystal ooze is more popular then gray ooze

because of its clear and thus "cleaner looking" color. Crystal ooze is

also home in water which allows the toilets to have a cleaner nature to

them.  However, the same precautions taken with gray ooze reproduction

are necessary with crystal ooze. Green slime is the least popular due

to its fast growth and dangerous being.

     A gelatinous cube is by far the most sheik waste disposal. Its

square shape is preferred over other jellies and oozes since the square

shape does not allow it to slither into other areas in which it is not

desired. A gelatinous cube is usually placed in a hole and kept from

moving while drains empty all waste onto it. Some places allow the cube

to roam in corridors beneath the dwelling where it can gather waste.

Even some communities have employed a cube to roam the sewer systems.

     Puddings are another interesting form of waste disposal. They are

more destructive than oozes, slimes, and jellies but they can live

easier in harsh climates. Thus, there value for waste disposal is

there.

     Many spells are useful in waste manipulation. Fire based spells

will break down waste, but will create terrible air pollution. Some

spells can turn the waste to stone, thereby giving a valuable natural

resource.

     Some waste disposal systems aren't what they seem to be. A few

times, I've come across a water weird hiding in the water. Plumbing

sure ain't what it used to be. However, I've come across valuable stuff

too. Toilets make excellent hiding places for treasure (kept in a

water-tight container). Whose going to search a toilet?

     Well, I hope you better understand waste disposal. I gotta go back

down to the underworld of THE SEWERS. See ya!"



                                             --- Miren Tihsecaf



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                  A MONSTER THAT KEEPS THE HOUSE CLEAN





Scrubble (Scrubbing) Bubbles



CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any

FREQUENCY: Rare

ORGANIZATION: Solitary

ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any

DIET: Any

INTELLIGENCE: Non- (0)

TREASURE: Nil

ALIGNMENT: Nil

NO. APPEARING: 1 (1-4)

ARMOR CLASS: 10 (what'd ya think bubbles would be)

MOVEMENT: 12

HIT DICE: 5

THAC0: 10

NO. OF ATTACKS: 1

DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d4

SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below

SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below

MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil

SIZE: S-L (3'-8')

MORALE: Special

XP VALUE: 500



     Scrubble bubbles were created by a wizard who wanted to keep his

dungeon clean, but didn't want to work at it. Scrubble bubbles are

composed of groups of cell colonies that scurry around getting rid of

dirt and grime. They have the ability to analyze material structure

from a distance of up to 60 feet to determine if something is dirty.

They attack filth on sight, so weary adventurers better watch out.

     Scrubble Bubbles are immune to acid, cold, and poison. Lightening

bolts and blows from weapons divide them into smaller groups of

bubbles, each able to attack exactly as the original. Fire causes

double damage, as do magic missiles. They can be dissuaded with large

volumes of water.

     Scrubble bubbles can roam through cracks that are at least one

inch wide and can travel on ceilings and walls at the same speed as on

a level surface.



Combat: Scrubble Bubbles are more an annoyance than anything else, but

they can be painful. Upon encountering a creature like an adventurer,

Scrubble Bubbles will seep in though armor and CLEAN! The sensation is

not unlike being attacked with a million stiff toothbrushes that

inflicts the 1d4 points of abrasive damage.

     Scrubble Bubbles may also secrete a mild acid to get rid of tough

stains. If they use it on a living being, the creature will suffer 2d4

points of damage.



Habit/Society: They are usually found in closed passageways and rooms,

and roam about dungeons cleaning walls, floors, and furniture.



Ecology: They reproduce by fission. They adapted to live in a wide

variety of climates. Scrubble Bubbles starting with 11-30% of maximum

possible hit points are 3 feet to 4 feet in diameter; with 31-50% of

full hit points are 5 feet wide; with 51-70% of full hit points, 6 feet

wide; with 71-90% of full hit points, 7 feet wide; with 91-100% of full

hit points, 8 feet wide. If Scrubble Bubbles are split up so it becomes

less than 3 feet wide, it becomes thinner but retains its 3-foot

diameter.

     The only things Scrubble bubbles consume are water and soap.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                              MAGIC-ITEMS





Breeches of the Wu Pi - These breeches appear as ordinary, drab,

everyday breeches. They are usually brown. However, they radiate a

faint magic dweomer. If an adventurer puts these on, nothing

immediately happens. If the wearer sits down, however, the breeches

erupt with a loud raspberry sound that continues for a full round. Any

person within a 10' radius of the sitting wearer (including the wearer)

will be struck with the urge to snigger, then laugh, then guffaw

exactly as if the spell Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter had

been cast. The breeches may be not be removed except with a Remove

Curse spell. Lacing may be done and undone normally to allow for bodily

functions.



Gel of Polishing - This gel comes in two forms: magical and non-

magical. The magical gel cures all damaged teeth, and prevents tooth

loss for one month, for each use. Deliberate extraction is not

prevented by the gel. Each vial contains 2d4 applications. Only one

application need be used each month.

     The non-magical version improves the character's chances of

keeping his/her teeth by 5% per check. One application must be used

every other day for the beneficial effects to take place. The cost per

vial is 30 gold pieces for 10 applications.



Jawbreaker - This cursed item tends to resemble any sweet item, like

cookies, pastries, but the most common form is some type of candy. When

chewed on, the Jawbreaker causes 1d6+1 teeth to be cracked, causing

double the amount of pain (double all penalties) until they are

extracted or fall out. The damaged teeth cannot be healed, but may be

regrown. Once the teeth are cracked, the Jawbreaker loses all magic,

and tastes like rancid meat.



Parchment of Mail-order Catalog - This is a rolled up piece of

parchment with obscure writing and (mayhem) pictures. Intended to be

used like toilet paper, this paper is covered with undecipherable

writings, and has the consistency of modern sandpaper (or what passes

for toilet paper at certain colleges). The person who uses it in the

normal way (and on himself) suffers 1 hp of damage and until it is

healed, must save vs. spells every time he sits down and every round

while sitting, or s/he will stand up. Using it on a non-willing subject

who is not tied down or an infant requires a to-hit roll at -10 (or

worse if the target is wearing armor), and anyone seeing you try this

will think you're a pervert.



Pearly Whites - Under casual inspection, these appear to be nothing

more than normal pearls, but perfectly spherical. If kept in contact

with exposed flesh for more than two rounds, or if they come in contact

with any kind of food or drink (excluding water), the pearls will

change into the crowns of teeth. If chewed on, the Pearly Whites will

replace one tooth per pearl. New teeth can be lost through normal

means. There will be 1d8+1 Pearly Whites found at any one time.



Scabbard of Godliness (sounds better than cleanliness) - A paladin was

fanatical about cleanliness (it's next to godliness you know) and hated

the mess that was made and the hassle he had to go through when

cleaning his blade after a particularly nasty battle. So he

commissioned a mage to create this.

     This is a scabbard which was constructed for a long sword. It is

more or less unremarkable, as most scabbards are, but will radiate

faint magic if detected. The scabbards power is this - any sword which

is sheathed within it comes out absolutely clean, shiny and spotless.

The scabbard magically removes blood, dirt, rust and any other muck.

     No doubt some players will think this would be great way to clean

up hundreds of years old weapons, which are rusted, pitted, etc.. But

remember, that the scabbard REMOVES the muck, so the rust is removed,

which may, in may cases, take away the only thing that was holding the

blade together.



Toilet of the Gods - A commode for the rich and famous. The most

stupendous commode you will ever encounter. Belongs only to the rich

and powerful, very immobile. First off, it has working plumbing. Also,

a full wet bar, a magazine rack with every periodical from the plane it

rests in, heavenly music filling the air, air freshener, and an

infinite amount of silken toilet paper. All solid waste matter turns to

gold when it hits the water, but retains texture and smell. Urine

changes color and smell to that of expensive wine.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                        EVEN A MAGE DOES LAUNDRY





     Here is the laundry list of cantrips, of the most mysterious and

powerful secret magical college known as the Most Righteous Ceremony of

the Grand Lodge of Thirteen Stars and Kal-Gon's Scrubbing Bubbles Too

III, known (by those who dare) as the August College of Laundry Magics.

     These cantrips are somewhat dangerous if used as an offensive

weapon so GMs should be careful in giving them out. Remember there from

a powerful college of magic.

     There are two places that must be known before looking over the

cantrips. They are:



     Planar Gate to Dimension of Other Socks -- Little is known of this

dimension. Access to it is one of the most ardently desired prizes for

magical researchers, and while gates to this dimension have, on a few

occasions, opened spontaneously, little was learned except for the

absolute requirement for the traveler to this dimension to shield his

nose from the vile odor of a universe filled with moldy, unwashed Other

Socks, stiff with perspiration and toe-jam.



     Planar Gate to Dimension of Wire Hangers -- little is known of

this dimension. It *must* be extremely unpleasant judging from the

quantity of wire hangers which flee to our dimension from it.





                                Cantrips



Ancient Chinese Secret -- The veil of mystery which cloaks this cantrip

of legendary, godlike power from modern research has only parted enough

to reveal to magical historians the single magical word, "Kal-Gon",

which adorns the official secret name of this most mysterious of

magical orders. What does it mean?



Banish Other Sock -- Note: There are two sorts of socks, the Self Sock,

and the Other Sock. The difference is a mysterious one, but real

nonetheless. The Self Sock, A.K.A. Sock, is native to our universe, and

the Other Sock native to an Other universe. This cantrip known as

Banish Other Sock sends Other Socks back to the dimension from which

they came. It is believed that an awesome magical fumble in the misty

depths of ancient prehistory caused this mighty Curse to be cast

permanently upon our entire universe. Luckily, the spell has decayed

enough so that it does not always take effect immediately when one

obtains an Other Sock.  Still, the inevitable nature of this Great

Curse is beyond doubt.



Banish Wire Hanger -- This cantrip sends wire hangers back to the

dimension from which they came.



Bleach -- This cantrip covers laundry with a mild (not really) alkaline

solution which leaves it looking really white and clean, no matter what

color it started out. Any unfortunate person  wearing the laundry when

the spell takes effect will be similarly affected, with hair, skin, and

teeth turned as white as the pillsbury (tm) dough boy (tm), and eyes

and mucous membranes irritated to pink tenderness by the bleach, to the

tune of 1d6 noxious chemical (acid) damage.



Dry Clean -- This cantrip presses fine clothes and steams them with a

noxious chemical. Any schnook so unfortunate as to be wearing the

laundry when this happens takes 2d6 damage from being stamped flat by

an industrial strength mousetrap and save vs. poison or take an

additional 3d6 damage from the poisonous, noxious chemicals.



Hang Dry -- This cantrip snaps clothes dry and hangs them on a steel

core wire, securing them with hat pins and five pound alligator clips.

Any unfortunate so unlucky as to be wearing the affected laundry takes

2d6 from strangulation on the wire and 1d6 from being clamped and

pinned.



Launder -- This cantrip soaps, soaks, scrubs and spins clothes. Anyone

so unfortunate as to be wearing the affected laundry takes 1d6 damage

from abrasion and irritating detergents and is dizzy and nauseated for

20 - constitution rounds.



Press and Fold -- This cantrip presses and folds all clothing in the

area of effect. Any poor, unlucky slob caught within the targeted

laundry takes 4d6 damage from being smashed flat, scorched, and folded.



Remove Tough Stain (A.K.A. Shout it Out!) -- This cantrip drenches

laundry in detergent, scrubbing it with brushes and lava soap, then

covers with another layer of detergent and sprays it with a high

pressure stream of ice-cold water. Any unfortunate caught in the

laundry will take 2d6 damage from the irritating detergent and frigid

ice-water, will be left soaking wet, and make a Constitution check - 4

or catch the grippe.



Sort by Color -- This cantrip gathers laundry and sorts it into piles,

one pile for light clothes, one pile for brightly colored clothes, and

one pile for dark clothes. Anybody so unfortunate as to be wearing the

laundry at the time will be stripped and placed in the appropriate

color pile (colors if embarrassed, because he would be red).



Sort Socks -- This cantrip piles socks into two piles, one for Socks,

and one for Other Socks. In our universe, cursed by the vile curse of

Other Sock Banishment, the pile of Other Socks has a 75% chance of

being banished en masse. Any unfortunate caught wearing socks in the

area of effect will be stripped of one sock and left with another one.

There is a 50% chance that the Other Sock will be stripped from his

feet and a 50% chance that it is the sock that remains upon him. If

anyone should be so unlucky as to be wearing his Other Sock when it is

banished as a result of this spell, he will be sent to the Dimension of

Other Socks, there to die a most horrible death by asphyxiation and/or

poisoning (save vs poison, if you fail you die, if you save you fall

into a coma until rescued).



Starch -- This cantrip covers laundry with a noxious chemical solution,

and pounds it with 16 ton weights, leaving it flat and stiff as a steel

plate. Any unlucky stiff so misfortune as to be wearing the laundry

will take 4d6 damage from being crushed by large, heavy objects, and

will be left unable to move because of joint-lock and overall

stiffness.



Summon Other Sock -- This cantrip summons the matching Other Sock to a

Sock from the dimension in which Other Socks reside. Anyone currently

wearing the summoned Other Sock will also be summoned as a side effect

of this powerful ritual.



Summon Wire Hanger -- This cantrip summons a wire hanger from the

terrible dimension in which they dwell. A backfire with this spell,

similar to the Great Curse of Banishment of the Other Sock, is believed

to be the second Great Curse of our universe.



Take Out the Laundry -- Upon completion of this short ritual several

skinny demonic figures materialize and stuff all the laundry in the

area of effect into large canvas laundry bags. They then give the

master one ticket per bag and require a payment of three "bucks" per

bag (successful bargaining will bring this down to two and a half

"bucks" per bag). Any poor slobs caught in the area of effect are

stuffed into bags, one person per bag, taking 1d6 of pummeling damage,

and must roll versus constitution or fall unconscious from the lack of

air. They will wake up later in the local hospital unable to remember

"wha'appen'?"



Tumble Dry -- This cantrip spins clothes while slapping them against

large, flat stones and blasting them with air as hot as a steel

furnace. Furs and other fine clothing will be ruined by this treatment,

as will anyone still wearing the affected clothes, who takes 2d6 damage

from the intense heat and large, flat stones.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------





                           STORY BOOK THEATER





     I have a character who is an elven swanmay. Because she moves

faster than the rest of the party when in swan form, she was the first

to reach an evil cleric who was attempting to resurrect a dead dragon.

He was painting holy symbols on the skull. Desperate to disrupt the

casting as quickly as possible without getting too close, I told the GM

that Sasha would fly over the skull and pee on it to ruin the paint

(Gross, but it was the fastest thing I could think of and our GM

doesn't allow debates).



                                             --- Randi at I.U.



     Cleanliness was a really big thing with one group I played in many

years ago. This was just a minor quirk of that particular party until

one gaming session when a thunderstorm started. Quickly thinking, we

decided this was a great opportunity to clean up - we'd been out for

several weeks and hadn't had a good bath for a while. So off went the

duds (we were an all female group - actually all females playing too!)

and we commenced cleaning. We took our time, so the GM rolled for a

random encounter. Whoa! A half-dozen bore beetles! Boy were we trashed!

We all survived, but we were certainly more careful and when and where

we took our showers!



                                             --- Vicki 



     The only time I've ever come across a toilet in an adventure was

in an Ogre chief's castle. It consisted of a wooden bench placed upon

the edge of a deep pit, at the bottom of which was a green slime which

absorbed the waste.

     However, this was in reality a trap. The Chief had a trusted guard

hidden in a secret closet opposite the seat. If anyone crossed the

Chief then he would tell the guard. Then when that person next used the

device the guard would pull a lever, the bench would hinge back and

slam into the pit wall pitching the poor unfortunate victim 60 ft. down

into the pit as fodder for the green slime.

 If the victim managed to hang on to the bench somehow then the guard

would venture out and clobber them until he fell. The Chief's shaman

kept the slime at bay with the occasional fireball or two to keep it

nice and small.



                                             --- Steve, Darkheart



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                             SPECIAL THANKS





Morgan Blackheart the Chaotic for his Breeches of the Wu Pi.



Gordon Burditt for his Parchment of Mail-order Catalog.



Joe Delisle for his items: Gel of Polishing, Pearly Whites, Jawbreaker.

Also, the dentist spells in the spell section.



Sethan Dreagothe for his dentist modifiers.



Carlos Fernando for the section entitled "The Dentist & Teeth: Smile

When You Say That?"



High Imperceptor Tyrus Hellbane for a small edition to the fictional

story about waste disposal.



Loren Miller for the laundry section.



Elf Sternberg for his Elf's GameBook from which I took the idea of

Scrubbing Bubbles and modified into my own 2nd edition monster.



Brian Palmer for his Toilet of the Gods.



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